Where was the passion when you need it the most?

I have always been against people who write about their crappy days and post it online as a way of releasing everything. I don't understand the hype about letting random strangers read your negative thoughts. I have been one of those strangers, reading online writings from clearly psychotic delusional people who think their problems are the end of the world...and to be honest, 9 times out of 10, I think the author is completely crazy and bringing the drama all on themselves.

Did I mention I'm getting into youth counselling? And no, the fact that I call people who write about their bad days to be crazy, psycotic and delusional does not concern me.

Today, I'm gonna be the crazy person.

Because I have had a shitty day. I have had a shitty week. And if you are going to continue reading this, your day will probably become shittier as a result. I apologize.

I will start by saying I have had next to no sleep in the past 40 hours. Keep that in mind before you write me off completely and throw me in an institution.

I don't think I struggle with depression. But I think I have. It was easily more of a "feeling sorry for myself" than anything clinical, but I struggled for a long, long time. It cost me my best friend. God healed that relationship and made it stronger, but healing me personally has been a much longer process and is still ongoing.

Currently, I struggle with guilt. I realized this today. It felt like a pretty cool breakthrough, that is, until it started to just feel like shit. (I'm not sorry for my language).

Last night there was a crisis and I was told by my best friend (the person in crisis), that I was the only person she wanted to see apart from her husband. And so I rocked the supportive best friend ship for about 5 hours. (By the way, if you need a good cheering up, I'm your girl. I'm so talented at it that I cheer myself up. I'm doing it now.) And then I don't know how exactly, but I started to fuck it up. Not even in huge monumental ways, but this crisis could mean that this friend will miss my birthday party (that she is planning) and that friggin sucks. Her crisis completely outweighs my birthday (if you know me, you know how important my birthday is) and I have always always believed this, but I didn't show it well enough.

I am good at the just sitting and "being" with someone. My best friend (who I will name Shanalda) is much more of a do-er when she is in crisis and so I don't feel like I can help. I am awesome at cheering up Shanalda, but apparently not when shat hits the fan..(did anyone just notice I censored? Its a personal victory at this point.) I just want to make things easier and happier for her, and she wants to do that herself. Or maybe, it just couldn't be done. This stung, especially after hearing I was one of the only people she wanted to see. Like...why do you want to see the person who's method of help you won't actually benefit from?

How does this tie in with my shitty day...don't worry, here it comes.

So along with feeling useless, I also feel awful because she probably just needed a "friend" and I started stressing a bit about my upcoming birthday party...banana effer does that ever sound horrible. It probably was just the way it came out, because my heart broke for her. Honestly, I just wanted something concrete. Some answer so that there would be some sort of peace, and it still hasn't come. It didn't help that this whole situation took place at a youth group event we were co-leading, and there never really was time to just sit and talk and maybe even laugh.

I can't handle seeing her hurt. It hurts me. And somehow, when things start to hurt me, I start to eff everything up.

Is anything making sense at this point? I have given up proof reading.

So backtrack to where I was talking about how I almost lost my best friend a few years back because of how badly I handled situations and allowed myself to get depressed over nothing. What I'm realizing now is that the relationship has definitely healed, but part of my individual healing from my issues involves working through a lot of insecurities. I am scared shitless of ruining this friendship again.

I'm a different person than I was 3 years ago when I was going through a lot of depression and crap. Completely different person. In a lot of ways, I don't see any similarities. God brought the right people into my life and changed my heart and reconciled broken relationships and set me back on the right path and I rarely ever look back. Yesterday and today, I looked back. (I remind myself of Lot's wife. But I still have full mobility of my legs, so I'm assuming I haven't turned into a pillar of salt yet. It wouldn't hurt for someone to check on me in the morning incase it sets in over night.)

Last night, I could see very clearly that I didn't bring my A-game to this crisis situation. I think the way I handle my emotions now versus 3 years ago is completely opposite, but Shanalda needed me to be who I am today, and in a weird way, part of me decided I needed to be who I was 3 years ago.

So I've spent a decent chunk of my day struggling with insecurities about how I blew it when she needed me to be a champ. I think the only positive thing so far has been that I have realized where the insecurities stem from and how they are a part of me that isn't completely healed.

Trying to get this point through to Shanalda was a bit of a process and I don't think it was effective. (Greg French...affective? effective?) She probably thinks I am crazy.

But Shanalda, here is what I need from you.
I need you to finish things. When I am freaking out, I need to you respond. You know me well enough to know that I don't half-ass anything, so my spazzes are sure as hell going to be full blown. Wait it out, and talk it out. Being that this happens once in a blue moon, I don't think asking for you to help me find a resolution is too much to ask. Powering through might be more time consuming, but its gotta be better than leaving without a goodbye.

I hate feeling like I went backwards, and sometimes I need help to show me that I didn't. Or that people don't still view me as that crazy psycho from 3 years ago.

So that's been my shitty day. It wasn't SO bad I suppose, but mostly it sucked balls. On the plus side, there was a sweet hail storm and I got a 24 point hand in cribbage to skunk Greg.

In a funny way, this whole thing makes me laugh because earlier in the week, my new bosses (who I LOVE -- they have been such a blessing) called me confident. And now I'm spilling that I'm insecure. I guess I will be both for now, and I know that I'm working through one.

If you read this whole thing, you are allowed to think of me as an immature spaz. I often think of myself that way so it's all good.

-swaggy the birthday champion.

"If it happens in Jerusalem...

...It's impossible for it to stay in Jerusalem."

The line is from a Rob Bell book I'm reading called "Jesus Wants to Save Christians." I'm not done the book yet so I'm not going to talk about how great it is, but this line stuck out to me.

It is referring to the beginning of Acts. Jesus has gone back into Heaven and had commanded his disciples to be His witnesses in Jerusalem, Samaria, Judea and to the ends of the earth...that's the basic jist of it. (I like the word jist. But my spell check is telling me it doesn't exist.)

When I see that line, I don't think of biblical Jerusalem. I think of myself. To me, the line is saying that if Jesus is really REALLY in me, it will be impossible for Him to simply stay hidden in me. If its real, it will show.

The gospel message is transforming. If I am not being transformed, how am I possibly showing my faith to others?

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm transforming at all. So am I really a Christian?

I'm often wrong.

I think God is trying to tell me lately that I may KNOW the Gospel and I may BELIEVE the Gospel, but it is time that I start learning to LIVE the Gospel. And thats where I am. He loves me where I'm at but He doesn't leave me where I'm at, and for that I am so thankful.

So where do I even begin? I look at so many aspects of my life that I feel are written off...I had my chance to be a light to various people, and I chose to live of the world instead. I'm supposed to be in the world but not of the world, and I continually mess that up.

Regardless. God works in ways I can't understand. God brings people closer to Him even when I am being a huge turd. I think He just enjoys when I get on board, but He is going to work even if I just ignore it. But my life is more full when I join in.

So here is what I am working on.

I want to make sure that I believe in a way that makes people notice. I have far too many people in my life that are surprised that I go to church and that I call myself a Christian. That friggin sucks.

I don't think I am the most judgmental person ever, but I know I still struggle with it. I don't like the line "Love the sinner, hate the sin." Because I think in hating the other person's sin, we end up hating the person who sins as well. So I prefer to think about how we ought to love the sinner and hate our own sin. Focusing on that has helped me love people through decisions I don't necessarily agree with.

I want to love people like Jesus loves people. I don't just want to love people at a distance, (like North American society tends to do with starving African children) but up close. This means getting involved with stuff that I say I care about. It is easy to send money overseas and say something nice to someone who is having a rough day, but I want more than that. I am learning to walk through people's struggles with them and it sucks. Of course it's "rewarding" but lets get serious, being burdened by other people's lives can suck. I think really loving people means asking God for a lot of strength and peace and grace to get through the tough stuff with them.

Real love is love that continues to grow, and the greatest love is the kind that lays down its life for a friend. That's the goal.

The effect (affect? I'm never sure which to use) of love in a person's life is tremendous. Being loved sets a person free to do what they were born to do, and if we/I love on people like Jesus loved on people, the world WILL change.

My faith has stayed pretty hidden in my life in some aspects. Not in all parts of my life, but enough to make me know that God is calling me to do better. Thankfully, God is more interested in my future than in my past, so I know I'm not a complete write off.

God speaks to me through Jeremiah 5:14 which says "Because they have spoken this Word, I am now making my words in your mouth a fire, and this people wood, and the fire will devour them."

It's time to step out of the Christian bubble and meet people where they are at, love them like Jesus and move forward. The one who has love, courage and wisdom moves the world.

Because as I mentioned earlier, if it happens in Jerusalem, it's impossible for it to stay in Jerusalem.

Make sense? okay. Good.

So many things I wish I'd say...

Or, NOT say.

For example, today alone I busted out several sentences which made no sense, including (but not limited to), "I can't believe we missed the light fricking." and "Two out of three summers I worked one of them."

Add this to my "I have uncomfortabilityness towards that" from Monday and we have three zingers in less than a week.

Last week, I talked about "French Canadia" and someone being "bright pale"

Perhaps I should rethink taking more English classes.
At least the benefit for of the everyone else.

-s.

If you have nothing important to say, say it often.

The title explains the reason I am writing in the first place.

Of course, I have absolutely NOTHING worthwhile to say. A lot of my friends write stuff all the time and it's always so smart-sounding and theological and I just don't work like that. So instead of writing anything, I think I will just post some funny pictures of myself that make me laugh.



This first lovely picture would be of my best friend Rach on her wedding. That is me in the background. I'm fairly certain I am trying to discuss with Mama McNeil how I am to straighten out the train on the dress, but every time I see this picture I am blown away by the tan lines and how it looks like I'm making a fat joke behind her back....












This next picture is of me in Banff 2 summers ago. It looks like someone farted and I'm noticing it. That's actually not the case, but I have no idea why my face was doing that.















You can all see why this one is funny, I look like I'm pooping.







This last one is the most recent. I got stuck in the kangaroo at the zoo, and this is me struggling to get out.





All for now...bad pictures of me are taken regularly so more will come.

-s.