A guy from my school today got busted by the FBI on accounts of accessing, distributing and possessing child porn. As well as sexual acts with a minor. My school is small, therefore I know who he is. I haven't actually talked to him (that I can remember), but apparently he was my sister's boyfriend's younger sister's youth leader.
The whole thing is disgusting. I don't think this is the place to really discuss my views on pornography in general (it would contain many, MANY expletives), but I think this is the place to discuss my thoughts on Jesus. And in this case, how we drag His name through the mud, every chance that we get.
I've watched the news a lot today. Because this is such a huge issue and took place here in Calgary, this has often been the first story, complete with live coverage of news reporters in front of my Christian University.
There is so much I don't understand about how and why this happened, but one thing I really don't get is why this guy's university being recognized is so important. Is it because "Christian" is baked right into the name of the school? Is that why the reporter stands right in front of the big sign at the front to do her ten second interview? Would the school get the same recognition if it was U of C?
People can have their own opinions as to whether a feature story on my school is necessary because of this horrible event. If in any way this guy had access to kids because of a practicum through the school then I guess I can understand it being important. But I can't help but feel that part of the press is just there because this school claims to be Christian.
Someday, it would be super sweet if everyone who claimed to be a Christ-follower actually understood that other people notice us and notice what we claim to believe.
I think it definitely says something about how we live our lives, when non believers know how we are to behave and we don't seem to. Obviously, this creep does not represent everyone who goes to the school, or every Christian in the world. But it is something to think about - How do we represent Jesus?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Friday, September 10, 2010
What a Difference a Day Makes
I have had the hiccups for 16 straight hours. I woke up with them this morning and they have yet to go away. It is preventing me from having conversations with people because I get all embarrassed that I hiccup while I talk so it's just easier not to speak. it's been a weird day.
I think a lot about the power of a "day". A friend of mine once spoke of how he thought he would never get over his ex and how nothing will change for him, and I think I responded with some cliche that I stole from Grey's Anatomy about how you can never underestimate the power of a single day. The point I was trying to make was that some things really do change quickly. Sometimes even feelings change in the course of a day. I wasn't trying to convince him that she wasn't important or that it would only take a day to get over her, but I don't think it's fair to yourself to believe you never will get over someone. You never know the difference a day can make.
I have had a lot of days that I feel have changed my life.
Backstory: I don't like making decisions. If a decision doesn't come easily to me, I generally just wait things out until a decision absolutely HAS to be made and then I screw it up. Take my dating life for example...I never want to tell a guy "no", so I simply wait it out and date him until I just can't date him any more and then I have to break him. It happens far too often. If I just knew what I wanted when he asked me out in the first place, I would have saved him a lot of pain, and myself a lot of annoyance. But I just don't work like that.
Some of the best decisions in my life are the ones I gave the least amount of thought to. Those are the days that stick out to me - the one's that really define me.
I have mentioned before about how I was once in a really rough place. There are two days that stick out for me that I think are the days that things changed. Things seemed insurmountable before these days happened, and there was hope for tomorrow after them.
The first was when my two best friends in my university program were discussing how they wanted to do an overseas practicum. I had decided I wouldn't do it, mainly because I had no idea how to afford it, and no idea how to leave home. Along with this, I was extremely dependent on my own suffering. I didn't know who I was without it. Anyways, I hadn't given a Europe practicum any thought...I didn't even think they were serious about going. Then Lindsay said I should come. Without thinking, I said sure.
And that was all it took. For a full year, I saved all my money and got everything ready and went to Europe. It was a trip I had never considered before I said yes, and it turned out to be one of the best things I have done with my life.
The second day that changed me was the day I met a boy. It was Father's day, and he picked me out at church and asked me out after the message. We went out later that week, and he gave me the friend and the relationship I had so desperately needed. Right outta nowhere. I never saw it coming. I also never saw it ending...(which it did.) But I can honestly say this guy changed my life. He was never the type I saw myself with, but it just happened anyways. I had dug myself a huge whole with a bunch of friendships, so it was almost good that I had no one to talk to when things were starting with him. I would have talked myself out of a relationship with him if I gave it too much thought. So I just did it. And it didn't work out, but it ended up being the best summer I could have imagined, and I grew up a lot as a result.
I think a lot of people change and grow over time, and I think that is true for me too. I also think I have changed sometimes overnight. I may be the only one who sees it, but I can definitely pin-point when the change happens.
There have been other "days" in my life that I had no idea would end up being so significant.
Any job I have taken I can honestly say I accepted without giving any thought to. I had thoughts after I had committed to the jobs, but my decision process was quick. And all of the jobs have worked out. I'm not one of those people who only stays at places for a few months...I normally hang around a few years and work my way to the top. If I take the opportunity that is placed in front of me, I end up liking it. I think God knows me well enough to know that I rarely go out looking for change, so if He wants me to change, He puts it right in my face and makes it impossible to say no to. If that messes up your view of God or you don't think He works like that, well fine. He can relate to me different than He relates to you.
I love that everything sucky really can get better in a day. (There is a flip side to this, everything great can get really sucky in a day as well, but who wants to focus on that?)
I have "Strength for today, hope for tomorrow" tattooed on my foot. I stole that line from Great is Thy Faithfulness and I absolutely LOVE it. (Hurt like a mofo.) But everything I have written about is why I tattooed that line. My strength for today and hope for tomorrow comes from knowing that I serve a God who actually gives me that. He gives me hope for tomorrow, because He shows me that one single day can make all the difference in the world. He doesn't need to take a year to make things better, He can do it instantly. If that can't give me hope, nothing will.
I need to sleep now, so I apologize if this makes no sense or if it doesn't "flow". One thing I can say is that I still have these friggin hiccups. I'm lying in bed with my mac on my stomach and every time I hiccup, the screen lifts and I end up pressing a wrong button. There must be at least a million grammatical errors in this entry.
Till we meet again and the case is solv-ed...(10 points if anyone can quote the correct movie.)
-swags
I think a lot about the power of a "day". A friend of mine once spoke of how he thought he would never get over his ex and how nothing will change for him, and I think I responded with some cliche that I stole from Grey's Anatomy about how you can never underestimate the power of a single day. The point I was trying to make was that some things really do change quickly. Sometimes even feelings change in the course of a day. I wasn't trying to convince him that she wasn't important or that it would only take a day to get over her, but I don't think it's fair to yourself to believe you never will get over someone. You never know the difference a day can make.
I have had a lot of days that I feel have changed my life.
Backstory: I don't like making decisions. If a decision doesn't come easily to me, I generally just wait things out until a decision absolutely HAS to be made and then I screw it up. Take my dating life for example...I never want to tell a guy "no", so I simply wait it out and date him until I just can't date him any more and then I have to break him. It happens far too often. If I just knew what I wanted when he asked me out in the first place, I would have saved him a lot of pain, and myself a lot of annoyance. But I just don't work like that.
Some of the best decisions in my life are the ones I gave the least amount of thought to. Those are the days that stick out to me - the one's that really define me.
I have mentioned before about how I was once in a really rough place. There are two days that stick out for me that I think are the days that things changed. Things seemed insurmountable before these days happened, and there was hope for tomorrow after them.
The first was when my two best friends in my university program were discussing how they wanted to do an overseas practicum. I had decided I wouldn't do it, mainly because I had no idea how to afford it, and no idea how to leave home. Along with this, I was extremely dependent on my own suffering. I didn't know who I was without it. Anyways, I hadn't given a Europe practicum any thought...I didn't even think they were serious about going. Then Lindsay said I should come. Without thinking, I said sure.
And that was all it took. For a full year, I saved all my money and got everything ready and went to Europe. It was a trip I had never considered before I said yes, and it turned out to be one of the best things I have done with my life.
The second day that changed me was the day I met a boy. It was Father's day, and he picked me out at church and asked me out after the message. We went out later that week, and he gave me the friend and the relationship I had so desperately needed. Right outta nowhere. I never saw it coming. I also never saw it ending...(which it did.) But I can honestly say this guy changed my life. He was never the type I saw myself with, but it just happened anyways. I had dug myself a huge whole with a bunch of friendships, so it was almost good that I had no one to talk to when things were starting with him. I would have talked myself out of a relationship with him if I gave it too much thought. So I just did it. And it didn't work out, but it ended up being the best summer I could have imagined, and I grew up a lot as a result.
I think a lot of people change and grow over time, and I think that is true for me too. I also think I have changed sometimes overnight. I may be the only one who sees it, but I can definitely pin-point when the change happens.
There have been other "days" in my life that I had no idea would end up being so significant.
Any job I have taken I can honestly say I accepted without giving any thought to. I had thoughts after I had committed to the jobs, but my decision process was quick. And all of the jobs have worked out. I'm not one of those people who only stays at places for a few months...I normally hang around a few years and work my way to the top. If I take the opportunity that is placed in front of me, I end up liking it. I think God knows me well enough to know that I rarely go out looking for change, so if He wants me to change, He puts it right in my face and makes it impossible to say no to. If that messes up your view of God or you don't think He works like that, well fine. He can relate to me different than He relates to you.
I love that everything sucky really can get better in a day. (There is a flip side to this, everything great can get really sucky in a day as well, but who wants to focus on that?)
I have "Strength for today, hope for tomorrow" tattooed on my foot. I stole that line from Great is Thy Faithfulness and I absolutely LOVE it. (Hurt like a mofo.) But everything I have written about is why I tattooed that line. My strength for today and hope for tomorrow comes from knowing that I serve a God who actually gives me that. He gives me hope for tomorrow, because He shows me that one single day can make all the difference in the world. He doesn't need to take a year to make things better, He can do it instantly. If that can't give me hope, nothing will.
I need to sleep now, so I apologize if this makes no sense or if it doesn't "flow". One thing I can say is that I still have these friggin hiccups. I'm lying in bed with my mac on my stomach and every time I hiccup, the screen lifts and I end up pressing a wrong button. There must be at least a million grammatical errors in this entry.
Till we meet again and the case is solv-ed...(10 points if anyone can quote the correct movie.)
-swags
Monday, August 16, 2010
Better than a Hallelujah
It is one of my goals to get myself on the label of a Jones soda. Moving on...
I lead a youth group with my 3 best friends.
Last night, our youth gathered together to sing worship songs around the piano...one of the kids got into New Brunswick Bible Institute and will be leaving us at the end of the month, and as a farewell, the rest of the kids have decided they want to make church on August 29 be a youth service. So they had to start practicing.
Sounds pretty lame hey? (I get it, I'm not supposed to say that...I'm supposed to be super excited all the time about church.) Now there will be some who think that a youth service is the opposite of lame. I don't want to disregard that at all, all I can do is speak from my own experience.
Truth be told, I have been in my share of youth services, and every single one of them included some wannabe pop stars singing off key worship songs. The whole thing ends up being pretty painful. I know full well that my heart has just been in the wrong place regarding these kind of things. I have been in quite a few "Youth Sundays" and I know exactly what I was thinking about at the time. It didn't involve worshipping Jesus at all...in fact a lot of it was about seeing how much attention I could get for myself.
See, I grew up in a church. I went to a Christian junior high and graduated from a Christian high school. I have been in more youth groups, girls clubs, kids groups and camps than the average bible thumped child of the 80s/90s. It seems I just don't want to get away from church because I even attend a Christian university. (Once you pop you can't stop...story of my life.) So my experience of youth groups and church groups includes a lot of bible study that basically went in one ear out the other...I wasn't ready to hear it. Or I was hearing it but not learning it and believing it...either way. I felt fake. When I think about who I was as a "Christian teenager", I still feel fake. So when it comes to youth groups and teens who grow up in a church, it is easy for me to see if and how they may be "fake" in their own lives and faith.
I see how easy it is for church youth groups to sing around a piano because its the same songs they have been singing for their entire lives, the whole while praising the God they barely know. The songs are memorized because they are played every sunday, and in the car, and after 15 years of hearing them, you know them inside out.
However. Last night was super special. Unlike me, our youth group isn't made of church kids. It's not even made of kids from the schools down the street. Our youth group started when my friend Trevor met a girl on a train who was on her way home to kill herself. He brought her to the Christmas Eve service, and eventually she started bringing her friends to church. Over the past few months, these kids have gone through friends dying, abortions, drugs, sex/rape, domestic abuse and graduating high school. Any given night of youth group ranges from 8-25 people, aging from 12-50s.
4 of the kids in my youth group attended church since they were young...and trust me, that doesn't mean they live the traditional "Christian Life." (After all, it is a bit hypocritical to evangelize and drug deal at the same time...yes?)
As youth leaders, we don't deal with teaching these kids how to evangelize, or spiritual disciplines, or basic theology. We don't do regular bible studies (yet...its in the works.) But, we have done our fair share of house-calls. For example, when they need to talk, or vent, we show up. And when they get high and start cutting themselves, we show up.
It is more likely that you will see our kids smoking up together rather than praying together.
I'm sensing some shocked faces...but I think this is okay for now. They all know what we believe and a lot of them believe it for themselves. That doesn't change what they are used to living for and that won't change over night. So we take some big steps and some baby steps...and then we all take about 98 steps back and basically start over.
So when this group decides they want to sing worship songs around a piano in preparation for a youth sunday that they want to organize, I'm not going to think it's lame. I am going to think it's a miracle.
The song they want to sing is called Better Than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant. I normally don't like much main stream Christian music, but this song is special to me because of how important it is to them. It's real to them, and it makes sense to them.
God made Himself real and tangible to a bunch of screwed up and abused adolescents, and now He uses them to change my life. And on August 29, when these kids get the chance to praise their God in front of their church, I know I won't be the only one changed by it.
Better than a Hallelujah
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
I lead a youth group with my 3 best friends.
Last night, our youth gathered together to sing worship songs around the piano...one of the kids got into New Brunswick Bible Institute and will be leaving us at the end of the month, and as a farewell, the rest of the kids have decided they want to make church on August 29 be a youth service. So they had to start practicing.
Sounds pretty lame hey? (I get it, I'm not supposed to say that...I'm supposed to be super excited all the time about church.) Now there will be some who think that a youth service is the opposite of lame. I don't want to disregard that at all, all I can do is speak from my own experience.
Truth be told, I have been in my share of youth services, and every single one of them included some wannabe pop stars singing off key worship songs. The whole thing ends up being pretty painful. I know full well that my heart has just been in the wrong place regarding these kind of things. I have been in quite a few "Youth Sundays" and I know exactly what I was thinking about at the time. It didn't involve worshipping Jesus at all...in fact a lot of it was about seeing how much attention I could get for myself.
See, I grew up in a church. I went to a Christian junior high and graduated from a Christian high school. I have been in more youth groups, girls clubs, kids groups and camps than the average bible thumped child of the 80s/90s. It seems I just don't want to get away from church because I even attend a Christian university. (Once you pop you can't stop...story of my life.) So my experience of youth groups and church groups includes a lot of bible study that basically went in one ear out the other...I wasn't ready to hear it. Or I was hearing it but not learning it and believing it...either way. I felt fake. When I think about who I was as a "Christian teenager", I still feel fake. So when it comes to youth groups and teens who grow up in a church, it is easy for me to see if and how they may be "fake" in their own lives and faith.
I see how easy it is for church youth groups to sing around a piano because its the same songs they have been singing for their entire lives, the whole while praising the God they barely know. The songs are memorized because they are played every sunday, and in the car, and after 15 years of hearing them, you know them inside out.
However. Last night was super special. Unlike me, our youth group isn't made of church kids. It's not even made of kids from the schools down the street. Our youth group started when my friend Trevor met a girl on a train who was on her way home to kill herself. He brought her to the Christmas Eve service, and eventually she started bringing her friends to church. Over the past few months, these kids have gone through friends dying, abortions, drugs, sex/rape, domestic abuse and graduating high school. Any given night of youth group ranges from 8-25 people, aging from 12-50s.
4 of the kids in my youth group attended church since they were young...and trust me, that doesn't mean they live the traditional "Christian Life." (After all, it is a bit hypocritical to evangelize and drug deal at the same time...yes?)
As youth leaders, we don't deal with teaching these kids how to evangelize, or spiritual disciplines, or basic theology. We don't do regular bible studies (yet...its in the works.) But, we have done our fair share of house-calls. For example, when they need to talk, or vent, we show up. And when they get high and start cutting themselves, we show up.
It is more likely that you will see our kids smoking up together rather than praying together.
I'm sensing some shocked faces...but I think this is okay for now. They all know what we believe and a lot of them believe it for themselves. That doesn't change what they are used to living for and that won't change over night. So we take some big steps and some baby steps...and then we all take about 98 steps back and basically start over.
So when this group decides they want to sing worship songs around a piano in preparation for a youth sunday that they want to organize, I'm not going to think it's lame. I am going to think it's a miracle.
The song they want to sing is called Better Than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant. I normally don't like much main stream Christian music, but this song is special to me because of how important it is to them. It's real to them, and it makes sense to them.
God made Himself real and tangible to a bunch of screwed up and abused adolescents, and now He uses them to change my life. And on August 29, when these kids get the chance to praise their God in front of their church, I know I won't be the only one changed by it.
Better than a Hallelujah
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Where was the passion when you need it the most?
I have always been against people who write about their crappy days and post it online as a way of releasing everything. I don't understand the hype about letting random strangers read your negative thoughts. I have been one of those strangers, reading online writings from clearly psychotic delusional people who think their problems are the end of the world...and to be honest, 9 times out of 10, I think the author is completely crazy and bringing the drama all on themselves.
Did I mention I'm getting into youth counselling? And no, the fact that I call people who write about their bad days to be crazy, psycotic and delusional does not concern me.
Today, I'm gonna be the crazy person.
Because I have had a shitty day. I have had a shitty week. And if you are going to continue reading this, your day will probably become shittier as a result. I apologize.
I will start by saying I have had next to no sleep in the past 40 hours. Keep that in mind before you write me off completely and throw me in an institution.
I don't think I struggle with depression. But I think I have. It was easily more of a "feeling sorry for myself" than anything clinical, but I struggled for a long, long time. It cost me my best friend. God healed that relationship and made it stronger, but healing me personally has been a much longer process and is still ongoing.
Currently, I struggle with guilt. I realized this today. It felt like a pretty cool breakthrough, that is, until it started to just feel like shit. (I'm not sorry for my language).
Last night there was a crisis and I was told by my best friend (the person in crisis), that I was the only person she wanted to see apart from her husband. And so I rocked the supportive best friend ship for about 5 hours. (By the way, if you need a good cheering up, I'm your girl. I'm so talented at it that I cheer myself up. I'm doing it now.) And then I don't know how exactly, but I started to fuck it up. Not even in huge monumental ways, but this crisis could mean that this friend will miss my birthday party (that she is planning) and that friggin sucks. Her crisis completely outweighs my birthday (if you know me, you know how important my birthday is) and I have always always believed this, but I didn't show it well enough.
I am good at the just sitting and "being" with someone. My best friend (who I will name Shanalda) is much more of a do-er when she is in crisis and so I don't feel like I can help. I am awesome at cheering up Shanalda, but apparently not when shat hits the fan..(did anyone just notice I censored? Its a personal victory at this point.) I just want to make things easier and happier for her, and she wants to do that herself. Or maybe, it just couldn't be done. This stung, especially after hearing I was one of the only people she wanted to see. Like...why do you want to see the person who's method of help you won't actually benefit from?
How does this tie in with my shitty day...don't worry, here it comes.
So along with feeling useless, I also feel awful because she probably just needed a "friend" and I started stressing a bit about my upcoming birthday party...banana effer does that ever sound horrible. It probably was just the way it came out, because my heart broke for her. Honestly, I just wanted something concrete. Some answer so that there would be some sort of peace, and it still hasn't come. It didn't help that this whole situation took place at a youth group event we were co-leading, and there never really was time to just sit and talk and maybe even laugh.
I can't handle seeing her hurt. It hurts me. And somehow, when things start to hurt me, I start to eff everything up.
Is anything making sense at this point? I have given up proof reading.
So backtrack to where I was talking about how I almost lost my best friend a few years back because of how badly I handled situations and allowed myself to get depressed over nothing. What I'm realizing now is that the relationship has definitely healed, but part of my individual healing from my issues involves working through a lot of insecurities. I am scared shitless of ruining this friendship again.
I'm a different person than I was 3 years ago when I was going through a lot of depression and crap. Completely different person. In a lot of ways, I don't see any similarities. God brought the right people into my life and changed my heart and reconciled broken relationships and set me back on the right path and I rarely ever look back. Yesterday and today, I looked back. (I remind myself of Lot's wife. But I still have full mobility of my legs, so I'm assuming I haven't turned into a pillar of salt yet. It wouldn't hurt for someone to check on me in the morning incase it sets in over night.)
Last night, I could see very clearly that I didn't bring my A-game to this crisis situation. I think the way I handle my emotions now versus 3 years ago is completely opposite, but Shanalda needed me to be who I am today, and in a weird way, part of me decided I needed to be who I was 3 years ago.
So I've spent a decent chunk of my day struggling with insecurities about how I blew it when she needed me to be a champ. I think the only positive thing so far has been that I have realized where the insecurities stem from and how they are a part of me that isn't completely healed.
Trying to get this point through to Shanalda was a bit of a process and I don't think it was effective. (Greg French...affective? effective?) She probably thinks I am crazy.
But Shanalda, here is what I need from you.
I need you to finish things. When I am freaking out, I need to you respond. You know me well enough to know that I don't half-ass anything, so my spazzes are sure as hell going to be full blown. Wait it out, and talk it out. Being that this happens once in a blue moon, I don't think asking for you to help me find a resolution is too much to ask. Powering through might be more time consuming, but its gotta be better than leaving without a goodbye.
I hate feeling like I went backwards, and sometimes I need help to show me that I didn't. Or that people don't still view me as that crazy psycho from 3 years ago.
So that's been my shitty day. It wasn't SO bad I suppose, but mostly it sucked balls. On the plus side, there was a sweet hail storm and I got a 24 point hand in cribbage to skunk Greg.
In a funny way, this whole thing makes me laugh because earlier in the week, my new bosses (who I LOVE -- they have been such a blessing) called me confident. And now I'm spilling that I'm insecure. I guess I will be both for now, and I know that I'm working through one.
If you read this whole thing, you are allowed to think of me as an immature spaz. I often think of myself that way so it's all good.
-swaggy the birthday champion.
Did I mention I'm getting into youth counselling? And no, the fact that I call people who write about their bad days to be crazy, psycotic and delusional does not concern me.
Today, I'm gonna be the crazy person.
Because I have had a shitty day. I have had a shitty week. And if you are going to continue reading this, your day will probably become shittier as a result. I apologize.
I will start by saying I have had next to no sleep in the past 40 hours. Keep that in mind before you write me off completely and throw me in an institution.
I don't think I struggle with depression. But I think I have. It was easily more of a "feeling sorry for myself" than anything clinical, but I struggled for a long, long time. It cost me my best friend. God healed that relationship and made it stronger, but healing me personally has been a much longer process and is still ongoing.
Currently, I struggle with guilt. I realized this today. It felt like a pretty cool breakthrough, that is, until it started to just feel like shit. (I'm not sorry for my language).
Last night there was a crisis and I was told by my best friend (the person in crisis), that I was the only person she wanted to see apart from her husband. And so I rocked the supportive best friend ship for about 5 hours. (By the way, if you need a good cheering up, I'm your girl. I'm so talented at it that I cheer myself up. I'm doing it now.) And then I don't know how exactly, but I started to fuck it up. Not even in huge monumental ways, but this crisis could mean that this friend will miss my birthday party (that she is planning) and that friggin sucks. Her crisis completely outweighs my birthday (if you know me, you know how important my birthday is) and I have always always believed this, but I didn't show it well enough.
I am good at the just sitting and "being" with someone. My best friend (who I will name Shanalda) is much more of a do-er when she is in crisis and so I don't feel like I can help. I am awesome at cheering up Shanalda, but apparently not when shat hits the fan..(did anyone just notice I censored? Its a personal victory at this point.) I just want to make things easier and happier for her, and she wants to do that herself. Or maybe, it just couldn't be done. This stung, especially after hearing I was one of the only people she wanted to see. Like...why do you want to see the person who's method of help you won't actually benefit from?
How does this tie in with my shitty day...don't worry, here it comes.
So along with feeling useless, I also feel awful because she probably just needed a "friend" and I started stressing a bit about my upcoming birthday party...banana effer does that ever sound horrible. It probably was just the way it came out, because my heart broke for her. Honestly, I just wanted something concrete. Some answer so that there would be some sort of peace, and it still hasn't come. It didn't help that this whole situation took place at a youth group event we were co-leading, and there never really was time to just sit and talk and maybe even laugh.
I can't handle seeing her hurt. It hurts me. And somehow, when things start to hurt me, I start to eff everything up.
Is anything making sense at this point? I have given up proof reading.
So backtrack to where I was talking about how I almost lost my best friend a few years back because of how badly I handled situations and allowed myself to get depressed over nothing. What I'm realizing now is that the relationship has definitely healed, but part of my individual healing from my issues involves working through a lot of insecurities. I am scared shitless of ruining this friendship again.
I'm a different person than I was 3 years ago when I was going through a lot of depression and crap. Completely different person. In a lot of ways, I don't see any similarities. God brought the right people into my life and changed my heart and reconciled broken relationships and set me back on the right path and I rarely ever look back. Yesterday and today, I looked back. (I remind myself of Lot's wife. But I still have full mobility of my legs, so I'm assuming I haven't turned into a pillar of salt yet. It wouldn't hurt for someone to check on me in the morning incase it sets in over night.)
Last night, I could see very clearly that I didn't bring my A-game to this crisis situation. I think the way I handle my emotions now versus 3 years ago is completely opposite, but Shanalda needed me to be who I am today, and in a weird way, part of me decided I needed to be who I was 3 years ago.
So I've spent a decent chunk of my day struggling with insecurities about how I blew it when she needed me to be a champ. I think the only positive thing so far has been that I have realized where the insecurities stem from and how they are a part of me that isn't completely healed.
Trying to get this point through to Shanalda was a bit of a process and I don't think it was effective. (Greg French...affective? effective?) She probably thinks I am crazy.
But Shanalda, here is what I need from you.
I need you to finish things. When I am freaking out, I need to you respond. You know me well enough to know that I don't half-ass anything, so my spazzes are sure as hell going to be full blown. Wait it out, and talk it out. Being that this happens once in a blue moon, I don't think asking for you to help me find a resolution is too much to ask. Powering through might be more time consuming, but its gotta be better than leaving without a goodbye.
I hate feeling like I went backwards, and sometimes I need help to show me that I didn't. Or that people don't still view me as that crazy psycho from 3 years ago.
So that's been my shitty day. It wasn't SO bad I suppose, but mostly it sucked balls. On the plus side, there was a sweet hail storm and I got a 24 point hand in cribbage to skunk Greg.
In a funny way, this whole thing makes me laugh because earlier in the week, my new bosses (who I LOVE -- they have been such a blessing) called me confident. And now I'm spilling that I'm insecure. I guess I will be both for now, and I know that I'm working through one.
If you read this whole thing, you are allowed to think of me as an immature spaz. I often think of myself that way so it's all good.
-swaggy the birthday champion.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
"If it happens in Jerusalem...
...It's impossible for it to stay in Jerusalem."
The line is from a Rob Bell book I'm reading called "Jesus Wants to Save Christians." I'm not done the book yet so I'm not going to talk about how great it is, but this line stuck out to me.
It is referring to the beginning of Acts. Jesus has gone back into Heaven and had commanded his disciples to be His witnesses in Jerusalem, Samaria, Judea and to the ends of the earth...that's the basic jist of it. (I like the word jist. But my spell check is telling me it doesn't exist.)
When I see that line, I don't think of biblical Jerusalem. I think of myself. To me, the line is saying that if Jesus is really REALLY in me, it will be impossible for Him to simply stay hidden in me. If its real, it will show.
The gospel message is transforming. If I am not being transformed, how am I possibly showing my faith to others?
Sometimes I don't feel like I'm transforming at all. So am I really a Christian?
I'm often wrong.
I think God is trying to tell me lately that I may KNOW the Gospel and I may BELIEVE the Gospel, but it is time that I start learning to LIVE the Gospel. And thats where I am. He loves me where I'm at but He doesn't leave me where I'm at, and for that I am so thankful.
So where do I even begin? I look at so many aspects of my life that I feel are written off...I had my chance to be a light to various people, and I chose to live of the world instead. I'm supposed to be in the world but not of the world, and I continually mess that up.
Regardless. God works in ways I can't understand. God brings people closer to Him even when I am being a huge turd. I think He just enjoys when I get on board, but He is going to work even if I just ignore it. But my life is more full when I join in.
So here is what I am working on.
I want to make sure that I believe in a way that makes people notice. I have far too many people in my life that are surprised that I go to church and that I call myself a Christian. That friggin sucks.
I don't think I am the most judgmental person ever, but I know I still struggle with it. I don't like the line "Love the sinner, hate the sin." Because I think in hating the other person's sin, we end up hating the person who sins as well. So I prefer to think about how we ought to love the sinner and hate our own sin. Focusing on that has helped me love people through decisions I don't necessarily agree with.
I want to love people like Jesus loves people. I don't just want to love people at a distance, (like North American society tends to do with starving African children) but up close. This means getting involved with stuff that I say I care about. It is easy to send money overseas and say something nice to someone who is having a rough day, but I want more than that. I am learning to walk through people's struggles with them and it sucks. Of course it's "rewarding" but lets get serious, being burdened by other people's lives can suck. I think really loving people means asking God for a lot of strength and peace and grace to get through the tough stuff with them.
Real love is love that continues to grow, and the greatest love is the kind that lays down its life for a friend. That's the goal.
The effect (affect? I'm never sure which to use) of love in a person's life is tremendous. Being loved sets a person free to do what they were born to do, and if we/I love on people like Jesus loved on people, the world WILL change.
My faith has stayed pretty hidden in my life in some aspects. Not in all parts of my life, but enough to make me know that God is calling me to do better. Thankfully, God is more interested in my future than in my past, so I know I'm not a complete write off.
God speaks to me through Jeremiah 5:14 which says "Because they have spoken this Word, I am now making my words in your mouth a fire, and this people wood, and the fire will devour them."
It's time to step out of the Christian bubble and meet people where they are at, love them like Jesus and move forward. The one who has love, courage and wisdom moves the world.
Because as I mentioned earlier, if it happens in Jerusalem, it's impossible for it to stay in Jerusalem.
Make sense? okay. Good.
The line is from a Rob Bell book I'm reading called "Jesus Wants to Save Christians." I'm not done the book yet so I'm not going to talk about how great it is, but this line stuck out to me.
It is referring to the beginning of Acts. Jesus has gone back into Heaven and had commanded his disciples to be His witnesses in Jerusalem, Samaria, Judea and to the ends of the earth...that's the basic jist of it. (I like the word jist. But my spell check is telling me it doesn't exist.)
When I see that line, I don't think of biblical Jerusalem. I think of myself. To me, the line is saying that if Jesus is really REALLY in me, it will be impossible for Him to simply stay hidden in me. If its real, it will show.
The gospel message is transforming. If I am not being transformed, how am I possibly showing my faith to others?
Sometimes I don't feel like I'm transforming at all. So am I really a Christian?
I'm often wrong.
I think God is trying to tell me lately that I may KNOW the Gospel and I may BELIEVE the Gospel, but it is time that I start learning to LIVE the Gospel. And thats where I am. He loves me where I'm at but He doesn't leave me where I'm at, and for that I am so thankful.
So where do I even begin? I look at so many aspects of my life that I feel are written off...I had my chance to be a light to various people, and I chose to live of the world instead. I'm supposed to be in the world but not of the world, and I continually mess that up.
Regardless. God works in ways I can't understand. God brings people closer to Him even when I am being a huge turd. I think He just enjoys when I get on board, but He is going to work even if I just ignore it. But my life is more full when I join in.
So here is what I am working on.
I want to make sure that I believe in a way that makes people notice. I have far too many people in my life that are surprised that I go to church and that I call myself a Christian. That friggin sucks.
I don't think I am the most judgmental person ever, but I know I still struggle with it. I don't like the line "Love the sinner, hate the sin." Because I think in hating the other person's sin, we end up hating the person who sins as well. So I prefer to think about how we ought to love the sinner and hate our own sin. Focusing on that has helped me love people through decisions I don't necessarily agree with.
I want to love people like Jesus loves people. I don't just want to love people at a distance, (like North American society tends to do with starving African children) but up close. This means getting involved with stuff that I say I care about. It is easy to send money overseas and say something nice to someone who is having a rough day, but I want more than that. I am learning to walk through people's struggles with them and it sucks. Of course it's "rewarding" but lets get serious, being burdened by other people's lives can suck. I think really loving people means asking God for a lot of strength and peace and grace to get through the tough stuff with them.
Real love is love that continues to grow, and the greatest love is the kind that lays down its life for a friend. That's the goal.
The effect (affect? I'm never sure which to use) of love in a person's life is tremendous. Being loved sets a person free to do what they were born to do, and if we/I love on people like Jesus loved on people, the world WILL change.
My faith has stayed pretty hidden in my life in some aspects. Not in all parts of my life, but enough to make me know that God is calling me to do better. Thankfully, God is more interested in my future than in my past, so I know I'm not a complete write off.
God speaks to me through Jeremiah 5:14 which says "Because they have spoken this Word, I am now making my words in your mouth a fire, and this people wood, and the fire will devour them."
It's time to step out of the Christian bubble and meet people where they are at, love them like Jesus and move forward. The one who has love, courage and wisdom moves the world.
Because as I mentioned earlier, if it happens in Jerusalem, it's impossible for it to stay in Jerusalem.
Make sense? okay. Good.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
So many things I wish I'd say...
Or, NOT say.
For example, today alone I busted out several sentences which made no sense, including (but not limited to), "I can't believe we missed the light fricking." and "Two out of three summers I worked one of them."
Add this to my "I have uncomfortabilityness towards that" from Monday and we have three zingers in less than a week.
Last week, I talked about "French Canadia" and someone being "bright pale"
Perhaps I should rethink taking more English classes.
At least the benefit for of the everyone else.
-s.
For example, today alone I busted out several sentences which made no sense, including (but not limited to), "I can't believe we missed the light fricking." and "Two out of three summers I worked one of them."
Add this to my "I have uncomfortabilityness towards that" from Monday and we have three zingers in less than a week.
Last week, I talked about "French Canadia" and someone being "bright pale"
Perhaps I should rethink taking more English classes.
At least the benefit for of the everyone else.
-s.
Monday, May 24, 2010
If you have nothing important to say, say it often.
The title explains the reason I am writing in the first place.
Of course, I have absolutely NOTHING worthwhile to say. A lot of my friends write stuff all the time and it's always so smart-sounding and theological and I just don't work like that. So instead of writing anything, I think I will just post some funny pictures of myself that make me laugh.
This first lovely picture would be of my best friend Rach on her wedding. That is me in the background. I'm fairly certain I am trying to discuss with Mama McNeil how I am to straighten out the train on the dress, but every time I see this picture I am blown away by the tan lines and how it looks like I'm making a fat joke behind her back....
This next picture is of me in Banff 2 summers ago. It looks like someone farted and I'm noticing it. That's actually not the case, but I have no idea why my face was doing that.
You can all see why this one is funny, I look like I'm pooping.
This last one is the most recent. I got stuck in the kangaroo at the zoo, and this is me struggling to get out.
All for now...bad pictures of me are taken regularly so more will come.
-s.
Of course, I have absolutely NOTHING worthwhile to say. A lot of my friends write stuff all the time and it's always so smart-sounding and theological and I just don't work like that. So instead of writing anything, I think I will just post some funny pictures of myself that make me laugh.
This first lovely picture would be of my best friend Rach on her wedding. That is me in the background. I'm fairly certain I am trying to discuss with Mama McNeil how I am to straighten out the train on the dress, but every time I see this picture I am blown away by the tan lines and how it looks like I'm making a fat joke behind her back....
This next picture is of me in Banff 2 summers ago. It looks like someone farted and I'm noticing it. That's actually not the case, but I have no idea why my face was doing that.
You can all see why this one is funny, I look like I'm pooping.
This last one is the most recent. I got stuck in the kangaroo at the zoo, and this is me struggling to get out.
All for now...bad pictures of me are taken regularly so more will come.
-s.
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