I have always been against people who write about their crappy days and post it online as a way of releasing everything. I don't understand the hype about letting random strangers read your negative thoughts. I have been one of those strangers, reading online writings from clearly psychotic delusional people who think their problems are the end of the world...and to be honest, 9 times out of 10, I think the author is completely crazy and bringing the drama all on themselves.
Did I mention I'm getting into youth counselling? And no, the fact that I call people who write about their bad days to be crazy, psycotic and delusional does not concern me.
Today, I'm gonna be the crazy person.
Because I have had a shitty day. I have had a shitty week. And if you are going to continue reading this, your day will probably become shittier as a result. I apologize.
I will start by saying I have had next to no sleep in the past 40 hours. Keep that in mind before you write me off completely and throw me in an institution.
I don't think I struggle with depression. But I think I have. It was easily more of a "feeling sorry for myself" than anything clinical, but I struggled for a long, long time. It cost me my best friend. God healed that relationship and made it stronger, but healing me personally has been a much longer process and is still ongoing.
Currently, I struggle with guilt. I realized this today. It felt like a pretty cool breakthrough, that is, until it started to just feel like shit. (I'm not sorry for my language).
Last night there was a crisis and I was told by my best friend (the person in crisis), that I was the only person she wanted to see apart from her husband. And so I rocked the supportive best friend ship for about 5 hours. (By the way, if you need a good cheering up, I'm your girl. I'm so talented at it that I cheer myself up. I'm doing it now.) And then I don't know how exactly, but I started to fuck it up. Not even in huge monumental ways, but this crisis could mean that this friend will miss my birthday party (that she is planning) and that friggin sucks. Her crisis completely outweighs my birthday (if you know me, you know how important my birthday is) and I have always always believed this, but I didn't show it well enough.
I am good at the just sitting and "being" with someone. My best friend (who I will name Shanalda) is much more of a do-er when she is in crisis and so I don't feel like I can help. I am awesome at cheering up Shanalda, but apparently not when shat hits the fan..(did anyone just notice I censored? Its a personal victory at this point.) I just want to make things easier and happier for her, and she wants to do that herself. Or maybe, it just couldn't be done. This stung, especially after hearing I was one of the only people she wanted to see. Like...why do you want to see the person who's method of help you won't actually benefit from?
How does this tie in with my shitty day...don't worry, here it comes.
So along with feeling useless, I also feel awful because she probably just needed a "friend" and I started stressing a bit about my upcoming birthday party...banana effer does that ever sound horrible. It probably was just the way it came out, because my heart broke for her. Honestly, I just wanted something concrete. Some answer so that there would be some sort of peace, and it still hasn't come. It didn't help that this whole situation took place at a youth group event we were co-leading, and there never really was time to just sit and talk and maybe even laugh.
I can't handle seeing her hurt. It hurts me. And somehow, when things start to hurt me, I start to eff everything up.
Is anything making sense at this point? I have given up proof reading.
So backtrack to where I was talking about how I almost lost my best friend a few years back because of how badly I handled situations and allowed myself to get depressed over nothing. What I'm realizing now is that the relationship has definitely healed, but part of my individual healing from my issues involves working through a lot of insecurities. I am scared shitless of ruining this friendship again.
I'm a different person than I was 3 years ago when I was going through a lot of depression and crap. Completely different person. In a lot of ways, I don't see any similarities. God brought the right people into my life and changed my heart and reconciled broken relationships and set me back on the right path and I rarely ever look back. Yesterday and today, I looked back. (I remind myself of Lot's wife. But I still have full mobility of my legs, so I'm assuming I haven't turned into a pillar of salt yet. It wouldn't hurt for someone to check on me in the morning incase it sets in over night.)
Last night, I could see very clearly that I didn't bring my A-game to this crisis situation. I think the way I handle my emotions now versus 3 years ago is completely opposite, but Shanalda needed me to be who I am today, and in a weird way, part of me decided I needed to be who I was 3 years ago.
So I've spent a decent chunk of my day struggling with insecurities about how I blew it when she needed me to be a champ. I think the only positive thing so far has been that I have realized where the insecurities stem from and how they are a part of me that isn't completely healed.
Trying to get this point through to Shanalda was a bit of a process and I don't think it was effective. (Greg French...affective? effective?) She probably thinks I am crazy.
But Shanalda, here is what I need from you.
I need you to finish things. When I am freaking out, I need to you respond. You know me well enough to know that I don't half-ass anything, so my spazzes are sure as hell going to be full blown. Wait it out, and talk it out. Being that this happens once in a blue moon, I don't think asking for you to help me find a resolution is too much to ask. Powering through might be more time consuming, but its gotta be better than leaving without a goodbye.
I hate feeling like I went backwards, and sometimes I need help to show me that I didn't. Or that people don't still view me as that crazy psycho from 3 years ago.
So that's been my shitty day. It wasn't SO bad I suppose, but mostly it sucked balls. On the plus side, there was a sweet hail storm and I got a 24 point hand in cribbage to skunk Greg.
In a funny way, this whole thing makes me laugh because earlier in the week, my new bosses (who I LOVE -- they have been such a blessing) called me confident. And now I'm spilling that I'm insecure. I guess I will be both for now, and I know that I'm working through one.
If you read this whole thing, you are allowed to think of me as an immature spaz. I often think of myself that way so it's all good.
-swaggy the birthday champion.
